Thunder Volcano

Boundless enthusiasm for something stupid

Archive for the ‘Thought for the Day’ Category

Solo Sextravaganza

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Do you think there’s a market for sex toys with really badass names?  Like, would someone buy a vibrator named Thor’s Hammer, complete with optional pistol-grip pump attachment?  What about The Punisher? (The Poon Punisher?  We may need to run a focus group here.)

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Written by Baron Volcano

07/29/2012 at 3:52 am

Posted in Thought for the Day

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Thought for the Day Returns, Now With 400% More Dick Jokes

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This being the first Thought for the Day unleashed upon my new coworkers, I had little idea of what to expect.  Things took a decidedly different turn than I had anticipated, though that may or may not have been the influence of the “seed ideas” I offered.  As always, the point to ponder is below, with the list of responses is underneath the row of stars in case you want to come up with your own ideas first.

What’s the worst thing you can hear from somebody after receiving oral sex from them?
(Bonus Points offered for any responses taken from Real Life)

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It tastes like Grandma
I used to love that back when I was a dude
Wow, your dad’s dick is so much bigger than yours
Why’s it all red?
That tastes like herpes, and trust me – I should know
Is… is that it?
We also ran the gamut of the more… visceral reactions – spitting, vomiting, laughing, etc.

And finally, despite my initial high hopes, there was only one entry in the “yes, this happened to me” category, offered by somebody who wishes to remain anonymous*:
Y… you should shower

*Just kidding, it was me.

Written by Baron Volcano

09/09/2011 at 1:22 pm

Thought for the Day: Roommates

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If I had somehow stumbled across porn featuring somebody that looks remarkably like your roommate, would you want to see it?
What if it was a video and the person also sounded/acted like said roommate?

Bonus Question: Suppose I replace the word “roommate” with “girlfriend” (or boyfriend/husband/wife/etc. as appropriate), would that change your answer?

Written by Baron Volcano

04/27/2011 at 12:18 pm

Thought for the Day: Air Supply

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Is there any amount/combination of drugs in the world that would make it an enjoyable experience to listen to Air Supply?  I’d also be open to any non-drug situations, but I have even less clue as to what those could be.

Written by Baron Volcano

03/09/2011 at 4:08 pm

Pickle Supreme

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I’ve been seeing an increasing number of companies making pickle-flavored potato chips.  Is there any difference between these and Salt ‘n’ Vinegar?  If so, what the hell would it be?  Dill?  Garlic? …Cucumber essence?

Written by Baron Volcano

10/26/2010 at 8:48 pm

This Post Dedicated to My Dad

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You ever fart in the shower and it smells so bad that you feel like you need to take another shower?  I don’t even know how that would work – take a second shower simultaneously?  That doesn’t make sense.  Soap up again?  I doubt that would help.  Throw on a towel and try to use the shower at your neighbor’s house?  If you have understanding neighbors, maybe they’ll wait for you to finish explaining yourself before they call the cops.  I guess you could ventilate the room and start over, but that’s just ridiculous.

I’m not even really sure why this happens, though.  Am I subconsciously afraid that I’ve rendered the soap ineffective?  Do I think that the fart particles will bond with the water vapor in the air and then the water will dry on me?  I have no idea.

There have been a number of times when I’ve mentioned this (or something similar) to somebody and the response was “maybe you should see a doctor”.  I don’t really see that doctor’s visit being a particularly worthwhile use of my time or money.  I’m picturing the doctor coming back into the room and on my chart there’s a section that says “Diagnosis:  That’s gross.  I have no idea.”

Written by Baron Volcano

10/21/2010 at 7:14 pm

Food for Thought

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I found this week’s Thought for the Day to be a bit of a noodle scratcher, so I decided to solicit the opinions of others in terms of maybe getting some interesting answers, or at least a different perspective than my own.  I’ve since been informed by my roommate that I spent Way Too Much Time thinking about this (which is true), but I felt it yielded some worthwhile results.  Anyhow, I’ll put the discussion points below the question itself, in case you feel the need to take some time to think about it on your own without the influence of outside opinion.

The Question
If you could ejaculate any one condiment, which one would it be?

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Constraints
There is one stipulation that’s worth mentioning: we’re assuming that there will be no other physiological changes incurred.  This will become important later.  There’s also the implied followup question of “would you eat said condiment”, but nobody seemed to have any problems with that idea whatsoever.

Raw Data
The first person I asked was scarily prompt with his answer of “mayonnaise”.  When probed about whether or not his choice was for aesthetic reasons, he went on to rant at me about how mayonnaise is the best condiment because it goes on everything -you can put it on hamburgers, it will enhance your french fries, “it’s bacon, lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise – not bacon, lettuce, tomato, mustard.”  He then went on to assure me that bacon covered in mayonnaise is an excellent food, “like bacon and eggs but without the hassle”.

Further discussion revealed an additional, unexpected bonus: theoretically, your body would have to synthesize the mayonnaise from something.  Since mayonnaise is mostly fat, that means that beatin’ it would make you skinnier (assuming you don’t eat the mayo afterwards).

Further inquiry yielded results that spanned much of the condiment spectrum, with a number of people changing their answers after additional consideration.  Choices included: olive oil, black pepper, steak sauce, semen (Come on guys, that’s not a condiment. Let’s be serious here.), relish, wasabi paste, lemon garlic aioli, horseradish spread, and Frank’s Red Hot.

Answers of “semen” were accompanied by explanations of why it counts as a condiment, but they were rejected nonetheless (I think that was the actual first answer I got, but he moved on to mayo quite quickly).  Seriously, that might be the most boring way you can answer this question.

Initial Analysis
There are a number of condiments that can/should be ruled out almost immediately as a direct result of the constraint placed on this scenario.

Anything chunky (relish, stone-ground mustard, horseradish) would probably hurt like hell, even more so for anything entirely solid (salt, pepper).  Firstly, chunks would probably get stuck and cause blockage and/or some serious pressure buildup, especially in the case of relish.  Secondly, some solids would probably remain behind and become pretty seriously uncomfortable.  That being said, relish would be pretty hilarious, but I don’t think that would make up for the fact that you’d spend a lot of time feeling like you’re passing kidney stones.  Confectioner’s sugar would probably be even more hilarious, since it would just be a big cloud of powder (possibly worth the clumps of old nasty sugar you’d be peeing out later on).

Spicy condiments (Frank’s Red Hot, horseradish spread) would probably burn like hell, and that burning would almost certainly linger, only to rear its ugly head every time you urinate.  The person who said horseradish spread had actually misunderstood the question at first, but stuck with his answer later on.  By his reasoning you probably wouldn’t notice it at the time because of all the endorphins, and you’d get used to the afterburn.  Either way, it wouldn’t be my choice.  I really wouldn’t want to gamble on whether or not I’d get used to the Little Baron burning most of the time.

At this point, mayonnaise still appears to be the clear winner.

Additional Findings
One thing that kind of surprised me was the fact that almost nobody thought about the practical aspects involved in this, essentially reducing it to a dirty-joke version of “what’s your favorite condiment”, which is really a pretty boring question.  I can kind of understand the people who didn’t think of the physical constraint involved, since that’s not necessarily obvious.  One responder said he figured his Man Zone would be “immune” to – in this case – Frank’s Red Hot.  Kind of makes me wonder if that immunity would translate to his taste buds as well, but that’s a topic for a different time.  But physical pain notwithstanding, there are other issues to take into account with this.  One of the people who originally answered “semen” actually got kind of mad at me about the whole thing (I think he just hates rhetorical questions), saying something to the effect of “it’s just not practical.  If I’m at a restaurant and I need ketchup for my fries, I’m not just gonna whip it out and start beating off”.  When I pointed out that he could do so at home and/or save it for later, he replied “that’s just gross”.  Right, that’s the gross part here.

However, people who did think about the practical aspects managed to provide some good insight.  One guy said that he’d probably lean towards a condiment that’s more expensive – like truffle oil – since (for example) barbecue sauce is generally pretty cheap.  That raised two interesting points.  Firstly, you could theoretically bottle and/or sell something that’s as pricey as truffle oil (at least I assume truffle oil is expensive, I haven’t checked).  You’d have a tough time getting it past the FDA, but there’s always farmers markets.  Secondly, if you were to choose something that’s used in quantity (barbecue sauce, jam/jelly, marinara, etc.), you’d probably need to save up over a long period of time, since the amount generated in one session would really just be a tease.  In any case, this guy had never tried truffle oil before, so he settled on olive oil for its versatility.  However, it was pointed out by someone else that olive oil might not be the best idea, since it’s so thin.  Condiments that are that thin would probably dribble out for a while after the fact, so you’d constantly have oil stains on your crotch that you would presumably have to explain to people.

Conclusions
After thinking about this in great detail for several days (my job, if you haven’t guessed by now, affords me ample opportunity to ponder Life’s Great Mysteries), I think I’ve stumbled on the best answer: hot fudge.  I’m not really much of a chocolate guy, but hot fudge offers a trifecta of appealing characteristics:

1. It’s tasty.  You really can’t deny that, especially with good quality hot fudge instead of that canned crap.
2. Ladies think it’s tasty.  If I need to explain that one to you, then you are probably too young to be reading an article about ejaculating condiments anyway.
3. Building on #2, if you have a bad breakup, you can be fairly certain that you’ll ruin chocolate for that girl for a while.  Then she’ll have to have a really awkward conversation with her next boyfriend about why she started crying when he gave her chocolates for valentine’s day.

The only potential downside I see here is that I’m kind of banking on the idea that fudge melts at like 110 degrees, tops.  I haven’t done any research to confirm this.

Assuming you came up with an answer to this question, I’ll leave you with one final question to ponder: if bacon counts as a condiment, would you change your answer?

Written by Baron Volcano

09/18/2010 at 4:19 pm