Thunder Volcano

Boundless enthusiasm for something stupid

Archive for the ‘right?’ Category

More Solutions to Common Problems

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Back when I had an office job, I had an idea that I was sure would make me boatloads of cash: widemouth lids for Starbucks cups.  While I do chug my coffee, that’s hardly the impetus behind the idea.  It all boils down to the fact that it’s a real pain in the ass to drink beer from the small mouth hole in the standard coffee cup lids.  I could have tried to hand-make some widemouths, but that always comes out all jagged which makes it even more obvious.

The only downside as I see it is that it kind of sucks to drink beer out of paper cups, but I figure that’s not a deal-breaker for a Clandestine Office Beer.  I suppose that problem could be alleviated by a widemouth travel mug (which I assume* they make), but it seems to me that the paper cup would work better at allaying suspicion.

Edit: when I start production on these, maybe I should also make specially-lined, long-lasting paper cups as well.

Edit: hell, I should just stock these at that coffee shop that I’m going to open.

*Due to my policy of not researching things, I have not looked into this at all.

Written by Baron Volcano

12/04/2012 at 1:39 am

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Gettin’ Jailhouse Rocked (in the can)

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For a while now, I’ve held the belief that the song Jailhouse Rock is secretly about gay sex*.  The most obvious evidence is this verse:

Number forty seven said to number three
“You’re the cutest little jailbird I ever did see
I sure would be delighted with your company
Come on and do the jailhouse rock with me”

Now, I don’t know that much about life Way Back When, but I’d imagine they didn’t have too many co-ed prisons.  I figured it might be a fluke or something, but then I let that idea sink in a little bit and listened to the song again with a more critical ear:

Shifty Henry said to Bugs “For heaven’s sake
No one’s lookin’, now’s the chance to make a break”
Bugs turned to Shifty and he said “nix nix
I’m gonna stick around a while and get my kicks”

Yeah, OK, you could make the argument that it’s just a really fun party being held in a jail, but that’s still some suggestive phrasing.  Then things get weird:

Sad Sack was sittin’ on a block of stone
Way over in the corner weepin’ all alone
The warden said “Hey buddy don’t you be no square
If you can’t find a partner use a wooden chair”

…at this point I’m hoping the song (or at least this verse) is about dancing.  In any case, sixty percent of the verses in this song can be used to support my theory, and the rest are used to set the scene.  In other words, my argument is Rock Solid.

I suggested this theory to my dad a ways back, and he had a few thoughts that give some credence to the idea: for starters, The King didn’t write all his own songs (in keeping with my policy of never researching anything, I have not confirmed this).  If we take that knowledge on a brief trip to Stereotype Town (and since this was mid-century America, Stereotype Town was pretty much the only game in… town), consider that people working in songwriting were statistically more likely to be gay.  Now take one more logical jump and consider the fact that being a homosexual was Way More Taboo during that period of time, and we’ve arrived at the idea that maybe the songwriters really were slipping in some innuendo, possibly because they were afraid to Come Out in a more public way.

Alternate explanation: somebody thought it would be hilarious to have Elvis sing a song that’s secretly about dudes boning (which is true.  It would be hilarious).

*I have a similar theory about Ring of Fire being about gonorrhea, but that one doesn’t have as much supporting evidence.

Written by Baron Volcano

05/09/2011 at 12:08 pm

Conditioner

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I made an important discovery the other day: when I use conditioner it makes me look like a gay Eric Clapton. As you can imagine, I was pretty excited about this discovery (and I’m not even really a Clapton fan). I highly doubt I’m the first one this has happened to, which makes me wonder why conditioner manufacturers don’t use it as a selling point. I certainly use a lot more conditioner after finding this out.

Written by Baron Volcano

04/25/2011 at 5:07 pm

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How I’m Going to Make Millions

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I’ve heard that the hallmark of a successful invention is to find a new or clever solution to a common problem.  It is with this in mind that I present to you an idea that I’m sure will make me a lot of money.  But first, the problem:

When I drink beer at home, I generally drink whatever homebrew I have on tap.  Barring that, it’s usually some fancypants bottled beer.  The question is, how do I drink beer in the shower?*  Too much water gets into any cup I bring in there, bottles are too slippery in the shower (not to mention very breakable), and there just aren’t that many good beers packaged in cans.

Some friends of mine suggested that I just put a tap line in my shower, but that really creates more problems than it solves.  For one, I rent.  I’ll admit that it would take a pretty unreasonable landlord to frown upon an addition as awesome as that, but you can’t be too careful.  Plus a shower tap would have a much longer beer line, which would mean a lot more head pressure for the keg, which would pose problems for the existing tap I have.  Or it would mean I’d have a keg that I could only pour in the bathroom, which would be kind of weird.

When I finally came up with the solution to this, I was kind of amazed nobody** had thought of it before: an plastic lidded stein.  It’d be unbreakable and easy to hold, it wouldn’t let water in, and it wouldn’t be nearly as much of a pain in the ass as drinking beer out of one of those sippy cups.

*I’ve brought this up in mixed company a few times, and have always gotten the same response: guys enthusiastically agree and/or sympathize, girls give me weird looks.  This has, on several occasions, caused girls to look at their boyfriends and ask with a mixture of confusion and disgust “you drink in the shower?”
**I say “nobody” in the sense of “me”, based on the fact that I haven’t done any checking to see if this exists already.

Written by Baron Volcano

03/09/2011 at 4:40 pm

Posted in Beer, right?

Tough Guy

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I was in a public bathroom the other day and I noticed that the brand of urinal cake holder was Tough Guy.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t usually associate the phrase “tough guy” with things that get peed on.

Can you imagine working QC at the company that makes those?  Most of your work day would probably consist of saying “fuck it, somebody’s just gonna pee on it”.

Written by Baron Volcano

03/09/2011 at 4:11 pm

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Balls

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Back in the day, Duke and I used to go golfing a few times a year.  We made an important discovery during one of these outings: it never stops being funny if you wait until your competitor is most of the way into his backswing and then say “balls” loudly enough that it’s just barely audible.  At the very least, it’s really distracting.  It became somewhat of a running joke between us until Duke started getting mad at me for doing it because he actually cares whether or not he’s good at golf*.

With this in mind, I came up with the perfect birthday present for Duke one year.  I’d go to the Nike website and get some custom golf balls that had “Balls” printed on them.  Brilliant!  He’ll never be able to get through a swing without laughing!  Well, the website was designed in such a way that my text got erased by the time I finished typing it.  Undaunted, I found a different company that offered a similar service but didn’t have such a sophisticated website.  About a week after I’d paid they rejected my order and refunded my money.

I was discouraged for a little while, but I came up with a solution that ended up being even better than my original idea: I’d get “Cockand” printed on them.  They’d be Cockand Balls.  Get it?  Sure, it’s a little cerebral, but we’re both intellectuals.  Shockingly, this order got rejected by several companies as well.

I don’t really understand why this is the norm.  Is the company afraid that they’ll gain a reputation for giving customers what they want?  I can almost see why Nike might want to reject this (“oh nice, you’ve got the Nike BALLS series?  I’m playing those new Titleist that have boobs printed on them”), but why would a third-party company be opposed to me doing this?  I can’t think of any reason why they’d place a restriction on how I’m allowed to amuse myself.

*In contrast, I generally use a holistic scoring system that only loosely correlates to how many strokes I’ve taken.  Plus, there have been several occasions where course staff has threatened to throw me out mid-game for refusing to wear shoes.

Written by Baron Volcano

11/21/2010 at 6:33 pm

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How I’m Going to Make My Millions

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I’m going to open a coffee shop whose motto is “Drink until you feel good about yourself” since that’s pretty much what I do when I wake up every afternoon.  The only potential downside is that people might think I’m promoting alcoholism (even though I’m *obviously* talking about coffee here) but that can be neatly skirted by serving booze as well.  I won’t judge.

Written by Baron Volcano

11/21/2010 at 5:16 pm

Posted in right?