Thunder Volcano

Boundless enthusiasm for something stupid

Archive for the ‘Hootenanny’ Category

Spanglish

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It’s a rare occurrence that I amuse myself to the point that I’m proud of it*, but this tickled me to the extent that I felt the need to share.  What follows is the bulk of an email I sent to my friend Thaddeus (the rest is boring stuff meant to help him with a roadtrip he’s on), along with his entire response.

To: Thaddeus Kibbutz
From: Baron Volcano
Date: 8/15/2011 4:12 PM
Subject: Travellins
Also, since I figured it might be of use to you, I talked to one of the Lionels at work and I think I know how to say “I am going to punch you in the dick with my mustache” in Spanish.  It’s “te voy a pegar un trompon en el pene con mi bigote.”  A couple caveats: firstly, he insisted that my version didn’t entirely make sense because “trompon” implies you’re using your fist.  So if you want to be grammatically correct, leave out “un trompon” and it’ll translate into “I’m going to hit you in the dick with my mustache.”  Also I don’t know if there’s a better slang term than “pene” since that’s the more clinical term.  I didn’t ask because that guy already thinks I’m weird from the time I snuck up behind him and rubbed my beard on him.  Anyway, I hope this is of use to you.

To: Baron Volcano
From: Thaddeus Kibbutz
Date: 8/15/2011 4:14 PM
Subject: Re: Travellins
you are certainly a remarkable individual.

*Not true.
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Written by Baron Volcano

09/01/2011 at 10:40 pm

Hiatus

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When I started this blog, I gave myself a few rules that would hopefully help me avoid what I saw as being the pitfalls of most blogs. They were:

1. No writing about the (largely mundane) details of my everyday life. I consider blogging to be inherently self-centered, so I do my best to not make it more so. Unless I have an observation on the subject that I consider to be interesting or insightful, I assume you don’t care what I had for lunch or which video game I’m currently playing.
2. No metaposting (i.e. no writing about the blog itself). For the most part, I just find this to be pointless – that’s why I didn’t write a “Hello World, this is what my blog is about” post. There’s not really any new information being presented, and those posts tend to become inaccurate pretty quickly most of the time anyway. If you want to know what this blog is about, read it. I toyed with the idea of putting in a note about how I’m using made-up names for everybody, but I figured most people would realize pretty quickly that my name isn’t Baron Volcano.
3. No apologies for lack of posting. This is really just a combination of #1 and #2, but it’s common enough elsewhere that it warrants its own rule. I estimate that a full quarter of all blog posts are to the general effect of “sorry I haven’t been posting much, I’ve been really busy at work lately.” It really doesn’t add anything to write about how you haven’t been writing.

I mention this because, as you may have figured out already, I’m breaking all of those rules today. Right now, in fact. I do not intend to make a habit of this.

In case you haven’t noticed, I haven’t posted a single damn thing for three months or so*. On the off chance that I have readers who don’t know me personally (and thus haven’t heard about this through the grapevine in one form or another), this hiatus started when I lost my job in December. The details of exactly how/why this happened are too stupid to get into in any real detail, but suffice to say it wasn’t something I’d been expecting. After spending a week or two in what could be readily described as a “drunken stupor,” I came to the conclusion that the best use of my time and money would be to drive around the country visiting breweries for two months. At some point during those two months I lost my other job as well.

One question I got a lot on my trip was “are you blogging this?” I obviously didn’t, but that’s because I intend to write a book about it. I figure that, if nothing else, maybe other people can learn from the mistakes I made along the way (free tip: don’t take the scenic route through the mountains in January). I intend to publish the book under my real name, but I’m going to continue using ridiculous made-up names when I post on this site because I find it funny.

I won’t promise that I’ll be keeping to any kind of regular posting schedule now that I’m back, but I would imagine that I’ll be putting up more stuff than I have been recently (that’s right: more than none. I set the bar high for myself). In reviewing the notes from my trip I’ve found a few things that I already know won’t make it to the book (some are too topical, some are too opinionated, etc.), so those will likely land here if anywhere. There are also a few things that I wrote before losing my job (I edit the hell out of pretty much everything I write, which I suppose is a fourth rule I established that I’m not breaking today), and I’ll probably be putting those up whenever I get around to editing them.

In short: sorry I haven’t posted in three months, but I’ve been really busy getting drunk across America. I’ll totally try to write more.

*If WordPress is to be believed, my inactivity has somehow caused an increase in readership. I do not know how to interpret that.

Written by Baron Volcano

03/09/2011 at 2:53 pm

Posted in Hootenanny

Accomplishments

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Today marks the third consecutive day on which I’ve eaten nothing but chicken and waffles (often both at the same time, but not always).

Written by Baron Volcano

11/30/2010 at 5:36 pm

Posted in Hootenanny

Beardiosity

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Every time I grow a beard I get a speech from my mom about how I’m not going to get girls on account of my beardiness.  I’ve tried to explain to her that she’s starting with a faulty premise – the idea that women are attracted to me in the first place – but she never buys it.  You know how moms are.  Nor is she amenable to the idea that some women like beards*.  On the whole she’s probably right, but this time around I’ve taken it far enough that I can’t help but agree (I mentioned this to a female acquaintance who suggested that I seek out unattractive women).  I started getting comments about how big my beard is from people at work whom I seldom/never talk to.  That’s right.  My beard is ridiculous enough that people in a brewery are starting to take notice.  People have started asking if they can pet my beard (some just do it without asking).  Outside of work, I’ve been told by at least four people that I look like a skinny Zach Galifianakis and by two that I look like Joaquin Phoenix.  Several of these people have been strangers.

Prior to my current beardy glory, I had a few people tell me that I didn’t look much/enough like a brewer.  I guess brewers aren’t allowed to be clean shaven?  One of these times was when I was the speaker at a beer dinner.  Enough people commented that the bar manager made a point of asking me if I was even 21 yet (I was 26 at the time).  Conversely, I don’t think I’ve been carded at a bar since I’ve grown this beard.

There are some notable downsides to having this much beard.  The most obvious is all the stuff that gets trapped in it.  I can’t brush my teeth after I take a shower because my beard gets filled with toothpaste.  I tend to carry crumbs around in it a lot.  One day I ate a bacon egg and cheese sandwich that was made with runny eggs and I didn’t realize until a few hours later that I’d taken about half of an egg yolk along for the ride.  Plus now whenever I drink beer I inadvertently dip my mustache into it.  It’s become commonplace enough that I don’t even bother cleaning the beer out since I know it’s about to happen again.  I’ve gotten used to it, but it’s not all that ideal if I’m trying a sip of somebody else’s beer and I accidentally add Mustache Flavor to it.  Every time I try to eat sandwiches I end up biting more of my own facial hair than food.  This is facial hair that’s still attached to my face, mind you.

On a related note, there have been two occasions in my life when I’ve been mistaken for a homeless person.  The first time was when I was in college, and the mistake was made by Duke’s college roommate – somebody I’d known for three or four years at the time.  In his defense, it was early in the morning and I was really hungover so I was probably shuffling/stumbling a bit, plus I hadn’t shaved in at least two months, I was wearing a beat-up, stained flannel jacket, dragging a suitcase with only one wheel, and carrying a six pack with four beers in it.  He said he glanced out the window and thought “that homeless guy looks a lot like Baron” then continued looking for me.  He got pretty weirded out when I started trying to get in his car.

The second time, it was a homeless guy.  I was in DC and I was leaving the bar to go to the metro when a guy came up to me and said “hey do you have any ch- oh wait, are you homeless too?”.  I really had no idea how to react to that – I figured I might piss him off if I acted offended and it hadn’t quite sunk in yet that it was hilarious (to me, anyway).

*There have been a number of times when she’s given me the following advice on women, verbatim: All women are the same.

Written by Baron Volcano

10/26/2010 at 9:16 pm

Posted in Hootenanny

Krabs

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Ever notice that Pete from Goof Troop and Mr. Krabs from Spongebob are pretty much the same character?  They’re both one-dimensionally greedy and out to profit from the main character(s).  They even kind of sound the same.  Really the main difference is that Mr. Krabs doesn’t have a hot wife.  Oh, and Pete’s much more of a dick.

Written by Baron Volcano

10/21/2010 at 7:28 pm

Posted in Hootenanny

This Post Dedicated to My Dad

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You ever fart in the shower and it smells so bad that you feel like you need to take another shower?  I don’t even know how that would work – take a second shower simultaneously?  That doesn’t make sense.  Soap up again?  I doubt that would help.  Throw on a towel and try to use the shower at your neighbor’s house?  If you have understanding neighbors, maybe they’ll wait for you to finish explaining yourself before they call the cops.  I guess you could ventilate the room and start over, but that’s just ridiculous.

I’m not even really sure why this happens, though.  Am I subconsciously afraid that I’ve rendered the soap ineffective?  Do I think that the fart particles will bond with the water vapor in the air and then the water will dry on me?  I have no idea.

There have been a number of times when I’ve mentioned this (or something similar) to somebody and the response was “maybe you should see a doctor”.  I don’t really see that doctor’s visit being a particularly worthwhile use of my time or money.  I’m picturing the doctor coming back into the room and on my chart there’s a section that says “Diagnosis:  That’s gross.  I have no idea.”

Written by Baron Volcano

10/21/2010 at 7:14 pm

Old Lady Sweatshirt

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As part of my uniform at work, I was issued one of those nondescript crewneck sweatshirts – like this one.  For some reason, I associate these things with old ladies.  Every time I put mine on I feel like I should also be putting on my teal and purple windbreaker (possibly with matching pants) and my bright white sneakers ($6.99 at K Mart) then picking up my giant purse (contents: six Werther’s Originals) so I can go volunteer at the library and then hit up the early bird special where I will regale the teenage waitress with stories about my six cats before I fill my purse with dinner rolls and Sweet ‘N’ Low.  I’ll probably have a ball of tissues permanently up the sleeve of my sweatshirt and I’ll have Unnaturally Red lipstick smeared all over an area that not only includes my mouth, but also an additional 15% of my face and no less than four of my teeth.

Is this just me?  From the weird looks I’ve gotten when asking people, I get the impression that it is.

Written by Baron Volcano

10/12/2010 at 1:38 am

Posted in Hootenanny