Thunder Volcano

Boundless enthusiasm for something stupid

When I Were Young

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I grew up in a small town in New England called Rumford.  It was small enough that it didn’t have its own high school, so middle school involved a fair number of largely-nonsensical extracurricular activities designed to help make students look more appealing to private high schools.  At least, that’s the only reason I can think of that anyone would even pretend to give a shit about Junior National Honors Society.  But oh man, did my teacher ever give a shit about Junior National Honors Society.  Looking back, I attribute it to the sort of tunnel vision that people get when they’ve been at a particular job for too long – eventually even the mundane and/or nonsensical starts to seem Critically Important.  Given the objective silliness of the situation, combined with the fact that I spent the bulk of my adolescence honing my skills as a smartass, my teacher and I didn’t always see eye to eye.

What I’m saying is that I was thrown out of Junior National Honors Society.  Twice, in fact*.  The first of these two instances happened as a result of a small assignment we were given just prior to induction (yes, I was thrown out before I was formally admitted): pair up with a classmate, fill out a short survey, then write an essay on your classmate based around the answers to the aforementioned survey.  What follows is the essay about me that managed to cause a great stir in the Rumford Middle School community:


Baron Volcano

By Augustus Smith
Baron Swifthammer Volcano, also known as “that man, officer” was born on September 8 in 1983. He has to live with one brother named Duke. Baron has two dogs named Shelby and Liebschen. As for his favorite sports he likes to watch soccer and play it as well. His favorite sports team is any of the Rumford T-ball teams. Baron Volcano is his favorite athlete. He likes to spend free time by sleeping and eating. Baron’s favorite color is black and his favorite movie is “Herbie Rides Again”. His favorite book is The Signs of Leprosy. He likes to eat brown sugar. The Simpsons is favorite television show. The song Breathe is the song that Baron likes best. He enjoys listening to the music group Rage Against the Machine. His special talent that was recently not known was that he could take off his underwear without taking off his pants. He admires Bob from Bobs Discount Furniture because he is so loud and obnoxious. One day he would like to visit a Vietnamese sweatshop. The best advice that he has ever been given was “don’t put that in your mouth.”


*The second such occasion, which is a far less entertaining story, resulted in my dad – the most mild-mannered person I’ve ever known – screaming at my teacher and gesturing in such a menacing manner that my mom (ordinarily the hot-tempered one of the pair) felt the need to physically restrain him.

Written by Baron Volcano

01/27/2013 at 2:14 pm

Posted in I am Lazy

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