Thunder Volcano

Boundless enthusiasm for something stupid

Work Those Taps

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A ways back, shortly after I started behind the bar at my current job, one of the new waiters – one whom I hadn’t yet spoken to (we’ll call him Desmond) – came up to me saying “I’ve got two hot blonde girls at my table, and they’re asking for your number!”

Naturally, I was a bit skeptical.  But he assured me “I checked, they specifically asked for ‘the bartender with the glasses.’*”

I was busy, so I just wrote down my number and gave it to him.

Half an hour later, on Desmond’s insistence, I checked my messages to find this:
“Dear Baron!
I dig your facial hair and the way you work those taps!
Sincerely yours,
Olivia”

Being reasonably sure that Desmond was fucking with me, I decided to tread lightly with my replies but nonetheless invited her out for a beer.  She largely avoided the question, eventually saying “…text me something cool about yourself when you get out.”

Something cool about myself?  Well, shit.  Not like I have a lot to draw from here.  I went with “one time I drove to Key West for pie” partly because I didn’t want to put in the effort to try and seem like Mister Smooth when I was pretty sure I was getting pranked, but mostly because I think that’s awesome.
To which she asked, “was it key lime pie?”
It took most of my admittedly limited resolve to not ask if that was a real question.  “Of course.  Totally worth it, too.”
“How old are you, Baron?”
That question may not have been related, as she ended up asking a series of somewhat probative questions later, but I got the strong impression that both parties were starting to think “I’m talking to an idiot.”

The next several days yielded a text message conversation largely consisting of me answering (often open-ended) questions about myself**.  Any attempt on my part at meeting in person was sidestepped, and questions I asked were often ignored, particularly open-ended ones (she was not receptive to the idea of telling me something cool about herself).  Oh, and Desmond seemed confused and/or offended by the suggestion that he was trying to mess with me (which, at this point, would have required a lot of dedication to the joke).  His comment of “I don’t even know you that way,” had occurred to me, but that really would have just made it much funnier if he had been messing with me.

Seeking perspective, I explained my situation to my friend Ghoulia.  Her insight proved invaluable:
Ghoulia: i would say i hope she’s not a psycho, but that might downplay the likelihood of hilarity
me: ok suppose she is
and i wake up in the middle of the night with her clipping my toenails for her “collection.”
i’d probably just be like “so are we gonna do it now, or are you gonna murder me?”
and then maybe fall back asleep
Ghoulia: well that’s just cause you are kind of expecting it
me: im kind of glad to be in a situation where it’s an expectation that i’ll wake up to a relative stranger harvesting my toenails
Ghoulia: it’s statements like that that make me proud to be your friend.

There’s no real exciting finale to this, as Olivia apparently got bored and stopped texting me.  I may have contributed to that with an unexpected and unannounced fourteen hour pause in an ongoing conversation, only to answer her (probably pointless) question at four AM.

Epilogue: I was at dinner with my entire immediate family and recounted this story.  I got yelled at by my mom because I didn’t send this girl pictures of my dick.
“She said she likes how you work those taps.  She wants to see you work that tap!***”
My only defense to this is that there are enough pictures of my wiener floating around out there already.  If you need to see it that bad and can’t find it via Google, you’ll have to arrange an in-person showing.

*I wear Garth-style glasses at work, complete with tape around the bridge.  There is a reason for this beyond the fact that I think it’s funny, but that’s neither here nor there.
**I’ve never claimed to be a good conversationalist, particularly via text, but I’m pretty sure it’s weird to get interviewed by a stranger for essentially no reason.
***Confidential to my mom, as she is one of the few people who actually reads this stupid site and may take umbrage to the suggestion that she was yelling at me: you did, in fact, raise your voice.
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Written by Baron Volcano

07/22/2012 at 2:57 am

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