Thunder Volcano

Boundless enthusiasm for something stupid


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Author’s Note: I spent a while debating whether or not I should post this, but it’s been several months and it still makes me chuckle.

Funny story: my ladyfriend broke up with me a little while ago.  That is not, of course, the funny part (but hey, much ups to those of you that are already laughing, I guess).  As always, the devil is in the details – she told me to swing by her place after work one day because she was going to buy me sushi.  This should have set off at least one alarm bell, since the only time she’d paid for anything in the past three months was a dinner in exchange for helping her move.  But I was so swayed by the promise of free food that I didn’t even stop to think about it, so I drove two towns over to her house.  As I was just registering the fact that she wasn’t wearing going-out-clothes, she brusquely informed me that the restaurant was closed.  This is when I started to realize something was amiss, as most restaurants stay open past six PM on Sundays.

Then she says, “We should talk.  Maybe we should go for a walk… no, let’s go sit in your car.”

At this point, the voices in my head took notice and started their color commentary:
“Shit!  This ain’t good.  I bet she’s pregnant.”
“Jesus.  It’s fine.  I bet she’s just breaking up with you.”
“Well yeah, but what if?!”
“…yeah.  Let’s… let’s just not think about that.”
“Right, it could just be VD.”
“Dammit dude, let’s try to stay positive here.”

In my car she, thankfully, gets right to the point.
“I can’t be in this relationship anymore.”

After about ten seconds, which – if you’re not as used to it as I am – feels like forever in Awkward Silence Time, the voices in my head spoke up again.
“…what the hell is going on here?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, she said she didn’t want to go out anymore, and I indicated that I find it acceptable.”
“Why is she still in my car?”
“Good question.  Maybe she expected a reaction?”
“But I don’t care.”
“Well, yeah.  I get that.  Maybe ask her why?”
“But we already know why.  It’s been pretty obvious for a while.”
“Yeah, but she’s probably spent a bunch of time preparing what she’s going to say and how she’s going to say it.”
“Please refer back to Point A: I don’t care.  Besides, doesn’t that just make me seem, I dunno, desparate?”
“You got any better ideas?”
[time passes]
“The only other option is to just ask her to get out of the car.”
“Which makes you look like an asshole.”
“Which means she wins.”
“Who knows?  Maybe there’s something you haven’t thought of.  Maybe she got bored and started cheating on you, and now she feels bad about it.”
“Still don’t wanna do it.”
“If you ask why, maybe she’ll get out of your car.”

So I begrudgingly asked “Why?”  There were no surprises.  She spent several minutes fumblingly failing at explaining a pretty simple idea that I’d figured out long ago* as I sat silently staring through the windshield, a prisoner in my own unmoving car, periodically tuning in to what she was saying to see if there were any indications that she was about to stop talking.

And, at one point, I swear part of her explanation was “I dunno, it’s just… whenever I think about it, I really don’t like the idea of you being my… boyfriend.”**

Truth be told, my only regret of the whole situation*** is how I reacted to that line.  In short: I didn’t.  I was too tired from work and too bored from her babbling and too relieved about not having children and/or VD to muster any kind of reaction short of filing a mental note under “that’s hilarious.”

A little while after that, she mercifully finished whatever the hell she felt the need to say.  And the closing conversation went a lot better than I think she was expecting:
“My hands are shaking” she says, after another silence I can only assume is awkward.
“You nervous?”
“I guess that’s normal.  Hey, I’m hungry so I’m gonna head over to the bar down the road.  I’d invite you but… you know.”
[she says some bullshit about how we can still hang out as friends or something]
“OK, well, I’m about to drive to the bar.  Do you want to come or not?”
“I think I’m going to go inside.”
“Alright, it’s been fun.”
[she wordlessly gets out of my car]

*in short, there was no sort of connection between us that was even in the same timezone as “meaningful.”
**When viewing this exchange in your Brain Theater you have to pause before “boyfriend” to really showcase your disgust with the idea.
***Considering that this was a girl I went out with for three months just to prove to her that I’m not gay, it’s pretty impressive that this is my only regret.

Written by Baron Volcano

09/21/2011 at 10:35 pm

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