Thunder Volcano

Boundless enthusiasm for something stupid

Archive for September 2011

Pub Review: Milly’s Tavern

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Almost nothing about Millie’s Tavern says “this place is going to brew good beer.”  It advertises itself as a nightclub/brewery or something like that, and that usually means the brewery is little more than a novelty add-on and they give at most half a shit about the beer quality.  But I’ve been wrong before, and since there ain’t a lot else along these lines in south-central New Hampshire, I decided to give it a go.  Stepping into the basement bar, which had a feel that spoke much more closely to “dingy honky-tonk” than “restaurant and/or nightclub”, I became ever-more convinced that this place would suck.  Or, at least, that the beer would be mediocre and the food would make my drive home really uncomfortable.

I was right.  The End.

No seriously, I’m really glad I went there.  Their porter, one of the two beers I use as my litmus test at unproven breweries, managed to disappear from the glass quickly enough that it almost escaped my notice.  The second pint was, as it always is, a minor dilemma.  If I’m to be scientific about it, I go with IPA since that’s my other Litmus Test Beer.  But my gut always tells me to try something different and/or weird, since that’s where brewers get to go outside the limits of the Everyday Beers (which are often Set in Stone by The Suits) and do as they please.  They had a couple lambics on the menu, which is kind of a double-whammy, since I tend to be really skeptical of American beers bearing the label “lambic.”  In other words, I had to know.  And it was good.  Not really within the confines of “lambic,” but it was a decent sour wheat ale, except for the noticeable-but-not-overpowering taste of the fake blueberry flavoring they used (I hate fake blueberry, and I still liked this beer).

I got the chance to talk with the brewer for a little while, so I lingered over an IPA or an APA (some hoppy pale beer, I can’t remember.  It was also good).  He seemed pretty stoked on the place, and gung-ho on beer in general, which is really all you can ask for in a brewer.  Though he wasn’t nearly as sold on the lambic as I was.  I think I lost a little respect from him for thinking it was good.

All in all, I would recommend a stop by if you for some reason happen to be near Manchester, New Hampshire.

Oh, and I wasn’t really hungry when I showed up, but their chili was some of the best I’ve had in a brewpub for a while now (it’s sort of a secondary mission of mine to find a brewpub that has decent chili).


Written by Baron Volcano

09/28/2011 at 10:44 pm


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Author’s Note: I spent a while debating whether or not I should post this, but it’s been several months and it still makes me chuckle.

Funny story: my ladyfriend broke up with me a little while ago.  That is not, of course, the funny part (but hey, much ups to those of you that are already laughing, I guess).  As always, the devil is in the details – she told me to swing by her place after work one day because she was going to buy me sushi.  This should have set off at least one alarm bell, since the only time she’d paid for anything in the past three months was a dinner in exchange for helping her move.  But I was so swayed by the promise of free food that I didn’t even stop to think about it, so I drove two towns over to her house.  As I was just registering the fact that she wasn’t wearing going-out-clothes, she brusquely informed me that the restaurant was closed.  This is when I started to realize something was amiss, as most restaurants stay open past six PM on Sundays.

Then she says, “We should talk.  Maybe we should go for a walk… no, let’s go sit in your car.”

At this point, the voices in my head took notice and started their color commentary:
“Shit!  This ain’t good.  I bet she’s pregnant.”
“Jesus.  It’s fine.  I bet she’s just breaking up with you.”
“Well yeah, but what if?!”
“…yeah.  Let’s… let’s just not think about that.”
“Right, it could just be VD.”
“Dammit dude, let’s try to stay positive here.”

In my car she, thankfully, gets right to the point.
“I can’t be in this relationship anymore.”

After about ten seconds, which – if you’re not as used to it as I am – feels like forever in Awkward Silence Time, the voices in my head spoke up again.
“…what the hell is going on here?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, she said she didn’t want to go out anymore, and I indicated that I find it acceptable.”
“Why is she still in my car?”
“Good question.  Maybe she expected a reaction?”
“But I don’t care.”
“Well, yeah.  I get that.  Maybe ask her why?”
“But we already know why.  It’s been pretty obvious for a while.”
“Yeah, but she’s probably spent a bunch of time preparing what she’s going to say and how she’s going to say it.”
“Please refer back to Point A: I don’t care.  Besides, doesn’t that just make me seem, I dunno, desparate?”
“You got any better ideas?”
[time passes]
“The only other option is to just ask her to get out of the car.”
“Which makes you look like an asshole.”
“Which means she wins.”
“Who knows?  Maybe there’s something you haven’t thought of.  Maybe she got bored and started cheating on you, and now she feels bad about it.”
“Still don’t wanna do it.”
“If you ask why, maybe she’ll get out of your car.”

So I begrudgingly asked “Why?”  There were no surprises.  She spent several minutes fumblingly failing at explaining a pretty simple idea that I’d figured out long ago* as I sat silently staring through the windshield, a prisoner in my own unmoving car, periodically tuning in to what she was saying to see if there were any indications that she was about to stop talking.

And, at one point, I swear part of her explanation was “I dunno, it’s just… whenever I think about it, I really don’t like the idea of you being my… boyfriend.”**

Truth be told, my only regret of the whole situation*** is how I reacted to that line.  In short: I didn’t.  I was too tired from work and too bored from her babbling and too relieved about not having children and/or VD to muster any kind of reaction short of filing a mental note under “that’s hilarious.”

A little while after that, she mercifully finished whatever the hell she felt the need to say.  And the closing conversation went a lot better than I think she was expecting:
“My hands are shaking” she says, after another silence I can only assume is awkward.
“You nervous?”
“I guess that’s normal.  Hey, I’m hungry so I’m gonna head over to the bar down the road.  I’d invite you but… you know.”
[she says some bullshit about how we can still hang out as friends or something]
“OK, well, I’m about to drive to the bar.  Do you want to come or not?”
“I think I’m going to go inside.”
“Alright, it’s been fun.”
[she wordlessly gets out of my car]

*in short, there was no sort of connection between us that was even in the same timezone as “meaningful.”
**When viewing this exchange in your Brain Theater you have to pause before “boyfriend” to really showcase your disgust with the idea.
***Considering that this was a girl I went out with for three months just to prove to her that I’m not gay, it’s pretty impressive that this is my only regret.

Written by Baron Volcano

09/21/2011 at 10:35 pm

A Very Important Life Lesson

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Life Lesson #3: Gouda is not a very good cheese to use for making nachos.

Edit: Neither is brie.  

Written by Baron Volcano

09/13/2011 at 3:05 am

Thought for the Day Returns, Now With 400% More Dick Jokes

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This being the first Thought for the Day unleashed upon my new coworkers, I had little idea of what to expect.  Things took a decidedly different turn than I had anticipated, though that may or may not have been the influence of the “seed ideas” I offered.  As always, the point to ponder is below, with the list of responses is underneath the row of stars in case you want to come up with your own ideas first.

What’s the worst thing you can hear from somebody after receiving oral sex from them?
(Bonus Points offered for any responses taken from Real Life)


It tastes like Grandma
I used to love that back when I was a dude
Wow, your dad’s dick is so much bigger than yours
Why’s it all red?
That tastes like herpes, and trust me – I should know
Is… is that it?
We also ran the gamut of the more… visceral reactions – spitting, vomiting, laughing, etc.

And finally, despite my initial high hopes, there was only one entry in the “yes, this happened to me” category, offered by somebody who wishes to remain anonymous*:
Y… you should shower

*Just kidding, it was me.

Written by Baron Volcano

09/09/2011 at 1:22 pm

A Life Lesson You Probably Already Knew

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Important Life Lesson #2: Just because you don’t have to be at work super early in the morning doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to go out drinking on a weeknight.

Written by Baron Volcano

09/06/2011 at 4:26 pm


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It’s a rare occurrence that I amuse myself to the point that I’m proud of it*, but this tickled me to the extent that I felt the need to share.  What follows is the bulk of an email I sent to my friend Thaddeus (the rest is boring stuff meant to help him with a roadtrip he’s on), along with his entire response.

To: Thaddeus Kibbutz
From: Baron Volcano
Date: 8/15/2011 4:12 PM
Subject: Travellins
Also, since I figured it might be of use to you, I talked to one of the Lionels at work and I think I know how to say “I am going to punch you in the dick with my mustache” in Spanish.  It’s “te voy a pegar un trompon en el pene con mi bigote.”  A couple caveats: firstly, he insisted that my version didn’t entirely make sense because “trompon” implies you’re using your fist.  So if you want to be grammatically correct, leave out “un trompon” and it’ll translate into “I’m going to hit you in the dick with my mustache.”  Also I don’t know if there’s a better slang term than “pene” since that’s the more clinical term.  I didn’t ask because that guy already thinks I’m weird from the time I snuck up behind him and rubbed my beard on him.  Anyway, I hope this is of use to you.

To: Baron Volcano
From: Thaddeus Kibbutz
Date: 8/15/2011 4:14 PM
Subject: Re: Travellins
you are certainly a remarkable individual.

*Not true.

Written by Baron Volcano

09/01/2011 at 10:40 pm