Thunder Volcano

Boundless enthusiasm for something stupid

Archive for May 2011

Gettin’ Jailhouse Rocked (in the can)

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For a while now, I’ve held the belief that the song Jailhouse Rock is secretly about gay sex*.  The most obvious evidence is this verse:

Number forty seven said to number three
“You’re the cutest little jailbird I ever did see
I sure would be delighted with your company
Come on and do the jailhouse rock with me”

Now, I don’t know that much about life Way Back When, but I’d imagine they didn’t have too many co-ed prisons.  I figured it might be a fluke or something, but then I let that idea sink in a little bit and listened to the song again with a more critical ear:

Shifty Henry said to Bugs “For heaven’s sake
No one’s lookin’, now’s the chance to make a break”
Bugs turned to Shifty and he said “nix nix
I’m gonna stick around a while and get my kicks”

Yeah, OK, you could make the argument that it’s just a really fun party being held in a jail, but that’s still some suggestive phrasing.  Then things get weird:

Sad Sack was sittin’ on a block of stone
Way over in the corner weepin’ all alone
The warden said “Hey buddy don’t you be no square
If you can’t find a partner use a wooden chair”

…at this point I’m hoping the song (or at least this verse) is about dancing.  In any case, sixty percent of the verses in this song can be used to support my theory, and the rest are used to set the scene.  In other words, my argument is Rock Solid.

I suggested this theory to my dad a ways back, and he had a few thoughts that give some credence to the idea: for starters, The King didn’t write all his own songs (in keeping with my policy of never researching anything, I have not confirmed this).  If we take that knowledge on a brief trip to Stereotype Town (and since this was mid-century America, Stereotype Town was pretty much the only game in… town), consider that people working in songwriting were statistically more likely to be gay.  Now take one more logical jump and consider the fact that being a homosexual was Way More Taboo during that period of time, and we’ve arrived at the idea that maybe the songwriters really were slipping in some innuendo, possibly because they were afraid to Come Out in a more public way.

Alternate explanation: somebody thought it would be hilarious to have Elvis sing a song that’s secretly about dudes boning (which is true.  It would be hilarious).

*I have a similar theory about Ring of Fire being about gonorrhea, but that one doesn’t have as much supporting evidence.

Written by Baron Volcano

05/09/2011 at 12:08 pm

Ride on my Mustache Chariot

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I had a job interview this morning, and in what I hope is the first time in recorded history, the guy I interviewed with asked me if I have a mustache.  There’s a possibility that this was a job-related inquiry, especially judging from the hopeful tone in his voice when he asked.

Written by Baron Volcano

05/03/2011 at 12:39 pm

More Lazy, Self-Referential Jabbering

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WordPress helpfully offers a list of the search engine queries that people used to find this site, so as part of my ongoing effort to find things to write that don’t involve me putting in any actual thought, I started perusing this list.  The results were a 50/50 mix of entertaining and baffling.  Here are a few of my favorites (in rough order of least to most awesome) with commentary:

samoas cookies with a purple sneakers
The list was – by far (say, 95%) – dominated by phrases relating to Samoas and/or Coconut Dreams (though notably few mentioned Caramel deLites, the lame politically-correct title applied to Samoas in some states).  My first inclination was to assume I know a lot of people who liked that post but haven’t quite figured out the “bookmark” button.  But on second thought, it’s entirely likely that a lot of people on the internet are really interested in reading about these cookies for some reason.  Either way, I have no idea how the hell anything I have ever said relates to purple sneakers.

putting on uniform
I cannot possibly figure out what anyone would hope to gain by doing a google search for this phrase.

thought of the day about air
Are there a lot of people writing profound thoughts about air?  If not, there’s apparently a market for it.

why was there an egg in the fucking volcano
This is also sort of an odd thing to Ask Jeeves, but now I really want to know the answer.  Hell, I’d settle for knowing where this question comes from.  The most likely explanation I can think of involves the phrases “Dave Poole” and “drunken rage.”

“case of relish”
Can you imagine trying to find a place to purchase large amounts of hot dog fixin’s, only to stumble across an article about ejaculating condiments?  I hope I provided insight into this person’s quest for lots of mashed-up pickles.  Failing that, I kind of hope I made somebody swear off the internet forever.

how to become a semen volcano
There are few times in my life when I feel truly proud of myself.  But somehow, knowing I created something that’s relevant to this pervy dude’s absurd (and hopefully entirely sincere) question, I just swell up with pride.
It is also worth noting that this is the only search in the list that I didn’t repeat.  I’m not sure I want to find what this dude was actually looking for.

Written by Baron Volcano

05/01/2011 at 7:38 pm