Thunder Volcano

Boundless enthusiasm for something stupid

Archive for November 2010

Accomplishments

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Today marks the third consecutive day on which I’ve eaten nothing but chicken and waffles (often both at the same time, but not always).

Written by Baron Volcano

11/30/2010 at 5:36 pm

Posted in Hootenanny

Balls

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Back in the day, Duke and I used to go golfing a few times a year.  We made an important discovery during one of these outings: it never stops being funny if you wait until your competitor is most of the way into his backswing and then say “balls” loudly enough that it’s just barely audible.  At the very least, it’s really distracting.  It became somewhat of a running joke between us until Duke started getting mad at me for doing it because he actually cares whether or not he’s good at golf*.

With this in mind, I came up with the perfect birthday present for Duke one year.  I’d go to the Nike website and get some custom golf balls that had “Balls” printed on them.  Brilliant!  He’ll never be able to get through a swing without laughing!  Well, the website was designed in such a way that my text got erased by the time I finished typing it.  Undaunted, I found a different company that offered a similar service but didn’t have such a sophisticated website.  About a week after I’d paid they rejected my order and refunded my money.

I was discouraged for a little while, but I came up with a solution that ended up being even better than my original idea: I’d get “Cockand” printed on them.  They’d be Cockand Balls.  Get it?  Sure, it’s a little cerebral, but we’re both intellectuals.  Shockingly, this order got rejected by several companies as well.

I don’t really understand why this is the norm.  Is the company afraid that they’ll gain a reputation for giving customers what they want?  I can almost see why Nike might want to reject this (“oh nice, you’ve got the Nike BALLS series?  I’m playing those new Titleist that have boobs printed on them”), but why would a third-party company be opposed to me doing this?  I can’t think of any reason why they’d place a restriction on how I’m allowed to amuse myself.

*In contrast, I generally use a holistic scoring system that only loosely correlates to how many strokes I’ve taken.  Plus, there have been several occasions where course staff has threatened to throw me out mid-game for refusing to wear shoes.

Written by Baron Volcano

11/21/2010 at 6:33 pm

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Product Review: A Terrible Bastardization of Skittles

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Upon first seeing Skittles Fizzl’d Fruits, my first inclination was to ask (out loud, to nobody in particular) “is this just rebranded Skittles Sours?”.  A coworker happened to be standing nearby, but was polite enough to avoid pointing out how sad it was that I even said that.  It turns out that I was wrong anyway.

Fizzl’d Fruits, much like Skittles Sours, are awful.  Shortly after putting the entire bag into my mouth, I was struck by the fact that they taste terrible.  But this is a specific terrible taste, one I remember from my childhood.  They used to make these tablets* that you would put into water, causing them to foam up and, at least in theory, make a drink not unlike carbonated Kool Aid.  In practice, they made a drink that tasted much more like a combination of Alka Seltzer and garbage.  Nevertheless, my cousin Bjorn and I bought the hell out of them.  Why?  We discovered that we could put the tablets directly into our mouths and run around pretending like we had rabies, obviously.  They were also pretty handy in those situations where you need to pretend like you’re puking up foam (similarly for those situations where you need to actually puke up foam.  I’m not kidding about how terrible these things were).

Fizzl’d Fruits taste just as bad as Fizzies ever did, but they don’t produce enough foam to have any practical usage.  They’re doubly disappointing since they give you the false hope that you’ll be eating something that tastes as good as regular Skittles.  Save yourself the aggravation: vigorously shake up a bottle of Coke and open it while your mouth is over the cap.  I can almost guarantee that it will be a more satisfying experience.

*My first thought was that they were called Lotsa Fizz, but those are a candy that’s actually pretty good.  I think they were called Fizzies.

Written by Baron Volcano

11/21/2010 at 5:21 pm

How I’m Going to Make My Millions

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I’m going to open a coffee shop whose motto is “Drink until you feel good about yourself” since that’s pretty much what I do when I wake up every afternoon.  The only potential downside is that people might think I’m promoting alcoholism (even though I’m *obviously* talking about coffee here) but that can be neatly skirted by serving booze as well.  I won’t judge.

Written by Baron Volcano

11/21/2010 at 5:16 pm

Posted in right?