Thunder Volcano

Boundless enthusiasm for something stupid

Food for Thought

with 4 comments

I found this week’s Thought for the Day to be a bit of a noodle scratcher, so I decided to solicit the opinions of others in terms of maybe getting some interesting answers, or at least a different perspective than my own.  I’ve since been informed by my roommate that I spent Way Too Much Time thinking about this (which is true), but I felt it yielded some worthwhile results.  Anyhow, I’ll put the discussion points below the question itself, in case you feel the need to take some time to think about it on your own without the influence of outside opinion.

The Question
If you could ejaculate any one condiment, which one would it be?

***********

Constraints
There is one stipulation that’s worth mentioning: we’re assuming that there will be no other physiological changes incurred.  This will become important later.  There’s also the implied followup question of “would you eat said condiment”, but nobody seemed to have any problems with that idea whatsoever.

Raw Data
The first person I asked was scarily prompt with his answer of “mayonnaise”.  When probed about whether or not his choice was for aesthetic reasons, he went on to rant at me about how mayonnaise is the best condiment because it goes on everything -you can put it on hamburgers, it will enhance your french fries, “it’s bacon, lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise – not bacon, lettuce, tomato, mustard.”  He then went on to assure me that bacon covered in mayonnaise is an excellent food, “like bacon and eggs but without the hassle”.

Further discussion revealed an additional, unexpected bonus: theoretically, your body would have to synthesize the mayonnaise from something.  Since mayonnaise is mostly fat, that means that beatin’ it would make you skinnier (assuming you don’t eat the mayo afterwards).

Further inquiry yielded results that spanned much of the condiment spectrum, with a number of people changing their answers after additional consideration.  Choices included: olive oil, black pepper, steak sauce, semen (Come on guys, that’s not a condiment. Let’s be serious here.), relish, wasabi paste, lemon garlic aioli, horseradish spread, and Frank’s Red Hot.

Answers of “semen” were accompanied by explanations of why it counts as a condiment, but they were rejected nonetheless (I think that was the actual first answer I got, but he moved on to mayo quite quickly).  Seriously, that might be the most boring way you can answer this question.

Initial Analysis
There are a number of condiments that can/should be ruled out almost immediately as a direct result of the constraint placed on this scenario.

Anything chunky (relish, stone-ground mustard, horseradish) would probably hurt like hell, even more so for anything entirely solid (salt, pepper).  Firstly, chunks would probably get stuck and cause blockage and/or some serious pressure buildup, especially in the case of relish.  Secondly, some solids would probably remain behind and become pretty seriously uncomfortable.  That being said, relish would be pretty hilarious, but I don’t think that would make up for the fact that you’d spend a lot of time feeling like you’re passing kidney stones.  Confectioner’s sugar would probably be even more hilarious, since it would just be a big cloud of powder (possibly worth the clumps of old nasty sugar you’d be peeing out later on).

Spicy condiments (Frank’s Red Hot, horseradish spread) would probably burn like hell, and that burning would almost certainly linger, only to rear its ugly head every time you urinate.  The person who said horseradish spread had actually misunderstood the question at first, but stuck with his answer later on.  By his reasoning you probably wouldn’t notice it at the time because of all the endorphins, and you’d get used to the afterburn.  Either way, it wouldn’t be my choice.  I really wouldn’t want to gamble on whether or not I’d get used to the Little Baron burning most of the time.

At this point, mayonnaise still appears to be the clear winner.

Additional Findings
One thing that kind of surprised me was the fact that almost nobody thought about the practical aspects involved in this, essentially reducing it to a dirty-joke version of “what’s your favorite condiment”, which is really a pretty boring question.  I can kind of understand the people who didn’t think of the physical constraint involved, since that’s not necessarily obvious.  One responder said he figured his Man Zone would be “immune” to – in this case – Frank’s Red Hot.  Kind of makes me wonder if that immunity would translate to his taste buds as well, but that’s a topic for a different time.  But physical pain notwithstanding, there are other issues to take into account with this.  One of the people who originally answered “semen” actually got kind of mad at me about the whole thing (I think he just hates rhetorical questions), saying something to the effect of “it’s just not practical.  If I’m at a restaurant and I need ketchup for my fries, I’m not just gonna whip it out and start beating off”.  When I pointed out that he could do so at home and/or save it for later, he replied “that’s just gross”.  Right, that’s the gross part here.

However, people who did think about the practical aspects managed to provide some good insight.  One guy said that he’d probably lean towards a condiment that’s more expensive – like truffle oil – since (for example) barbecue sauce is generally pretty cheap.  That raised two interesting points.  Firstly, you could theoretically bottle and/or sell something that’s as pricey as truffle oil (at least I assume truffle oil is expensive, I haven’t checked).  You’d have a tough time getting it past the FDA, but there’s always farmers markets.  Secondly, if you were to choose something that’s used in quantity (barbecue sauce, jam/jelly, marinara, etc.), you’d probably need to save up over a long period of time, since the amount generated in one session would really just be a tease.  In any case, this guy had never tried truffle oil before, so he settled on olive oil for its versatility.  However, it was pointed out by someone else that olive oil might not be the best idea, since it’s so thin.  Condiments that are that thin would probably dribble out for a while after the fact, so you’d constantly have oil stains on your crotch that you would presumably have to explain to people.

Conclusions
After thinking about this in great detail for several days (my job, if you haven’t guessed by now, affords me ample opportunity to ponder Life’s Great Mysteries), I think I’ve stumbled on the best answer: hot fudge.  I’m not really much of a chocolate guy, but hot fudge offers a trifecta of appealing characteristics:

1. It’s tasty.  You really can’t deny that, especially with good quality hot fudge instead of that canned crap.
2. Ladies think it’s tasty.  If I need to explain that one to you, then you are probably too young to be reading an article about ejaculating condiments anyway.
3. Building on #2, if you have a bad breakup, you can be fairly certain that you’ll ruin chocolate for that girl for a while.  Then she’ll have to have a really awkward conversation with her next boyfriend about why she started crying when he gave her chocolates for valentine’s day.

The only potential downside I see here is that I’m kind of banking on the idea that fudge melts at like 110 degrees, tops.  I haven’t done any research to confirm this.

Assuming you came up with an answer to this question, I’ll leave you with one final question to ponder: if bacon counts as a condiment, would you change your answer?

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Written by Baron Volcano

09/18/2010 at 4:19 pm

4 Responses

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  1. I’m presently imagining a Terry Gilliam-style penis truffle oil factory and refinery, somewhere in the Philippines.

    Dave Poole

    09/18/2010 at 4:57 pm

  2. I can think of a downside to hot fudge, at least assuming you’d be likely to get with the ladies (let’s put fudge-packing jokes to the side, in other words):

    Yeast infections.

    You get sugar in there, you are basically guaranteeing her yeast infections.

    I am just saying.

    HK

    04/21/2011 at 4:29 am

    • Well yeah, something like that had occurred to me. But take any response to this question and then ask yourself “wouldn’t that be kind of gross?” Is there anything to which you’d answer no? I can’t think of any off the top of my head.

      Baron Volcano

      04/25/2011 at 3:29 pm

  3. […] a place to purchase large amounts of hot dog fixin’s, only to stumble across an article about ejaculating condiments?  I hope I provided insight into this person’s quest for lots of mashed-up pickles.  […]


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