Thunder Volcano

Boundless enthusiasm for something stupid

Archive for September 2010

Fun Fact

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The bus system in Rockville, Maryland is named after a Parliament song: Maggot Brain.  Just kidding, everybody knows Maggot Brain is a Funkadelic song.  It’s named Ride On.

Written by Baron Volcano

09/19/2010 at 9:57 pm

Posted in Hootenanny


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I cannot stop listening to Prisencolinensinainciusol.  Not only is it an awesome song, but I really like the idea of a song made entirely of gibberish designed to sound like English.  He does a pretty good job, too.  I’m pretty convinced that CCR did this with a significant portion of their songs, with the best example being “Born on the Bayou” when he says “Aicun steyul heah thaddol houndaw bawkin, hace undada hoodoo theyuh”.  I’m convinced that John Fogerty, Bob Dylan, and James Brown should have formed a supergroup comprised entirely of unintelligible singers.  I’d buy that CD in a heartbeat.  There’s also the P-Funk approach to gibberish, wherein you just make up a word when you’re too lazy/high to make a rhyme (“put a hump in your back, shake your sacromilliac”).  As an added benefit, the video for Prisencolinensinainciusol is ridiculous.  I’m not sure if he meant it to be that way or, as a friend suggested, “maybe he’s just Italian”.

Written by Baron Volcano

09/19/2010 at 9:55 pm

Posted in Hootenanny

Food for Thought

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I found this week’s Thought for the Day to be a bit of a noodle scratcher, so I decided to solicit the opinions of others in terms of maybe getting some interesting answers, or at least a different perspective than my own.  I’ve since been informed by my roommate that I spent Way Too Much Time thinking about this (which is true), but I felt it yielded some worthwhile results.  Anyhow, I’ll put the discussion points below the question itself, in case you feel the need to take some time to think about it on your own without the influence of outside opinion.

The Question
If you could ejaculate any one condiment, which one would it be?


There is one stipulation that’s worth mentioning: we’re assuming that there will be no other physiological changes incurred.  This will become important later.  There’s also the implied followup question of “would you eat said condiment”, but nobody seemed to have any problems with that idea whatsoever.

Raw Data
The first person I asked was scarily prompt with his answer of “mayonnaise”.  When probed about whether or not his choice was for aesthetic reasons, he went on to rant at me about how mayonnaise is the best condiment because it goes on everything -you can put it on hamburgers, it will enhance your french fries, “it’s bacon, lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise – not bacon, lettuce, tomato, mustard.”  He then went on to assure me that bacon covered in mayonnaise is an excellent food, “like bacon and eggs but without the hassle”.

Further discussion revealed an additional, unexpected bonus: theoretically, your body would have to synthesize the mayonnaise from something.  Since mayonnaise is mostly fat, that means that beatin’ it would make you skinnier (assuming you don’t eat the mayo afterwards).

Further inquiry yielded results that spanned much of the condiment spectrum, with a number of people changing their answers after additional consideration.  Choices included: olive oil, black pepper, steak sauce, semen (Come on guys, that’s not a condiment. Let’s be serious here.), relish, wasabi paste, lemon garlic aioli, horseradish spread, and Frank’s Red Hot.

Answers of “semen” were accompanied by explanations of why it counts as a condiment, but they were rejected nonetheless (I think that was the actual first answer I got, but he moved on to mayo quite quickly).  Seriously, that might be the most boring way you can answer this question.

Initial Analysis
There are a number of condiments that can/should be ruled out almost immediately as a direct result of the constraint placed on this scenario.

Anything chunky (relish, stone-ground mustard, horseradish) would probably hurt like hell, even more so for anything entirely solid (salt, pepper).  Firstly, chunks would probably get stuck and cause blockage and/or some serious pressure buildup, especially in the case of relish.  Secondly, some solids would probably remain behind and become pretty seriously uncomfortable.  That being said, relish would be pretty hilarious, but I don’t think that would make up for the fact that you’d spend a lot of time feeling like you’re passing kidney stones.  Confectioner’s sugar would probably be even more hilarious, since it would just be a big cloud of powder (possibly worth the clumps of old nasty sugar you’d be peeing out later on).

Spicy condiments (Frank’s Red Hot, horseradish spread) would probably burn like hell, and that burning would almost certainly linger, only to rear its ugly head every time you urinate.  The person who said horseradish spread had actually misunderstood the question at first, but stuck with his answer later on.  By his reasoning you probably wouldn’t notice it at the time because of all the endorphins, and you’d get used to the afterburn.  Either way, it wouldn’t be my choice.  I really wouldn’t want to gamble on whether or not I’d get used to the Little Baron burning most of the time.

At this point, mayonnaise still appears to be the clear winner.

Additional Findings
One thing that kind of surprised me was the fact that almost nobody thought about the practical aspects involved in this, essentially reducing it to a dirty-joke version of “what’s your favorite condiment”, which is really a pretty boring question.  I can kind of understand the people who didn’t think of the physical constraint involved, since that’s not necessarily obvious.  One responder said he figured his Man Zone would be “immune” to – in this case – Frank’s Red Hot.  Kind of makes me wonder if that immunity would translate to his taste buds as well, but that’s a topic for a different time.  But physical pain notwithstanding, there are other issues to take into account with this.  One of the people who originally answered “semen” actually got kind of mad at me about the whole thing (I think he just hates rhetorical questions), saying something to the effect of “it’s just not practical.  If I’m at a restaurant and I need ketchup for my fries, I’m not just gonna whip it out and start beating off”.  When I pointed out that he could do so at home and/or save it for later, he replied “that’s just gross”.  Right, that’s the gross part here.

However, people who did think about the practical aspects managed to provide some good insight.  One guy said that he’d probably lean towards a condiment that’s more expensive – like truffle oil – since (for example) barbecue sauce is generally pretty cheap.  That raised two interesting points.  Firstly, you could theoretically bottle and/or sell something that’s as pricey as truffle oil (at least I assume truffle oil is expensive, I haven’t checked).  You’d have a tough time getting it past the FDA, but there’s always farmers markets.  Secondly, if you were to choose something that’s used in quantity (barbecue sauce, jam/jelly, marinara, etc.), you’d probably need to save up over a long period of time, since the amount generated in one session would really just be a tease.  In any case, this guy had never tried truffle oil before, so he settled on olive oil for its versatility.  However, it was pointed out by someone else that olive oil might not be the best idea, since it’s so thin.  Condiments that are that thin would probably dribble out for a while after the fact, so you’d constantly have oil stains on your crotch that you would presumably have to explain to people.

After thinking about this in great detail for several days (my job, if you haven’t guessed by now, affords me ample opportunity to ponder Life’s Great Mysteries), I think I’ve stumbled on the best answer: hot fudge.  I’m not really much of a chocolate guy, but hot fudge offers a trifecta of appealing characteristics:

1. It’s tasty.  You really can’t deny that, especially with good quality hot fudge instead of that canned crap.
2. Ladies think it’s tasty.  If I need to explain that one to you, then you are probably too young to be reading an article about ejaculating condiments anyway.
3. Building on #2, if you have a bad breakup, you can be fairly certain that you’ll ruin chocolate for that girl for a while.  Then she’ll have to have a really awkward conversation with her next boyfriend about why she started crying when he gave her chocolates for valentine’s day.

The only potential downside I see here is that I’m kind of banking on the idea that fudge melts at like 110 degrees, tops.  I haven’t done any research to confirm this.

Assuming you came up with an answer to this question, I’ll leave you with one final question to ponder: if bacon counts as a condiment, would you change your answer?

Written by Baron Volcano

09/18/2010 at 4:19 pm

Keg Registration

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I spend a nontrivial portion of my time filling kegs at work, so I get to spend a whole bunch of time dealing with kegs that we get back from bars and liquor stores and distributors and whathaveyou.  They often come back to us in some sort of… unpleasant condition, usually embodied by some ungodly shit covering the keg: lettuce (AKA keg salad), chicken bones, silverware, this weird brown crap that may have been gravy at one point, broken glass, mold (usually in the mouth, caused by somebody putting the keg cap back on), and – this is a distressingly common one – what appears to be an entire bottle’s worth of ketchup.
Gross and/or dangerous though it may be, that stuff doesn’t really bother me too much.  It’s annoying, but I can usually just hose it off.  What does bother me, however, are stickers.  Bars and liquor stores (and sometimes distributors) seem to like to put stickers on kegs, despite not actually owning said kegs.  Would you put bumper stickers on a rental car?  (If you mentally answered “yes” to that question, then not only are you probably an asshole, but you might want to do some learnin’ on the concept of “rhetorical questions”)  Maybe these places think that breweries have a machine that will remove stickers and such from the outside of kegs.  We don’t, unless your definition of “machine” somehow manages to include “some schmuck with a scraper” (i.e. me).
Even so, there is a greater evil in the land of keg-getting-back: keg registration.  If anything, keg registration stickers are more of a pain in the ass to remove than stickers from bars (they’re bigger, for one thing), but that’s not the problem.  The problem is that they tend to contain a lot of personal information about the purchaser – name, address, driver’s license #, signature, birthday, etc.  People tend to be really guarded about personal information being shared these days, and yet they unwittingly put their trust in some hairy guy who may or may not be too hungover to see and/or fully scrape off the sticker.  Sometimes people will cross out personal information with markers, but that actually doesn’t fix the problem – marker washes off pretty easily, pen is pretty resilient.  By far the worst offender on this (in my experience, anyway) is Connecticut.  Their stickers just can’t be removed.  I realize that if the adhesive is too weak then it will come off when the keg sweats, but there has got to be a better solution here.
I realize that this is a pretty trivial (and selfishly motivated) reason to rally against keg registration, but it really kind of sucks.  If we need to have keg registration (which is arguable, but not something I want to get into), can we at least have something that doesn’t become a permanent part of the keg?  What if there was a tag with a serial number (and maybe the name of the issuing store) ziptied to the keg?  That couldn’t be much more expensive to implement than those detailed forms with the insane mutant glue, and zipties can be cut relatively easily.  More importantly, it would allow/require the liquor store to keep the purchaser’s personal info in-store, instead of affixing it to the keg.

Written by Baron Volcano

09/18/2010 at 2:24 pm


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This is what Doyle looks like with a mustache:

I know you were wondering.

Written by Baron Volcano

09/17/2010 at 8:00 pm

Posted in Hootenanny

Mooching off of the Past: Part Two

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Since I’m taking shortcuts and posting emails from my brother as original content, I’m also going to post a story he sent me that I have since retold at least twenty times:

So today I had the funniest moment of my med school career (not saying much but still…)

So we had our afternoon class where we learn shit like how to do a physical take a history etc. Today we were learning about how to counsel people on domestic abuse. So everyone has their real serious face on and we are having some pretty heavy discussions about domestic abuse. One of our preceptors was asking about what kinds of injuries people get. After people had said some things she asks “How do people get black eyes?” (The answer she was looking for was getting punched in the dome). To answer this one girl in the class says completely seriously: “Balls to the face”. I was like “What?!?!” And the girl sitting next to her goes “Yeah, you could get hit in the eyes with balls.”  Needless to say it took me approximately five minutes to actually compose myself which was completely inappropriate but it is still fucking hilarious. (Also, they were talking about like baseballs or lacrosse balls or something in case that wasn’t obvious)


After I commented that I probably wouldn’t have been able to compose myself in that situation (Ever), he added:

Glad you enjoyed the story. I definitely had to bite my lip so hard it almost bled. It was made worse by the fact that there are like 6 people in the room so it is exceedingly obvious that I am laughing.

Written by Baron Volcano

09/16/2010 at 7:36 pm

Thought for the Day: Retro Edition

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This week’s Thought For The Day ended up taking on a bit of a life of its own and is thus taking some time to properly write up, so I figured I would present you with a Blast from the Past in the meantime.  I was able to get a surprisingly comprehensive answer for this one courtesy of my brother, who at the time was in the med school portion of his MD/PhD program.  What follows is the transcript of the email conversation we had:

Date: 11/30/2006
From: Baron Volcano
To: Duke Volcano
Subject: Medical Question
OK I figure since you’re in a hospital all the time you might be able to help me with this (I may have asked you this before, I’m not sure).  I was thinking about vampires and I was wondering if they prefer people with particular blood types, like does A taste different from O and so on.  Any ideas?  Also, what exactly is the difference between the blood types?  I don’t really know what it is that makes them different.

Date: 12/6/2006
From: Duke Volcano
To: Baron Volcano
Subject: Re: Medical Question
So the difference between blood types is the antigens (umm…pieces of proteins or sugars or stuff that could be bound by an antibody) that are on the surface. So if you are A you have the A antigen on the surface etc. The same thing goes for the Rhesus factor which is what gives someone the bloodtype of +/-. So the Rhesus antigen I am pretty sure is a protein so I dont think the vampires would really care about that. But the A/B/O antigens are actually sugar residues on the outside of the cell. So I think that AB would be the sweetest because it has the extra sugar residues. O would be the least sweet because it doesnt have any of these antigens. So, if I was a vampire I would prefer AB. I dunno.


I later found out that he actually surveyed a number of people at his hospital on this topic just to try and give me a good answer.  Much appreciated, big brother.

Written by Baron Volcano

09/16/2010 at 7:34 pm